Neel Gupta, a 15-year-old is from New Jersey, USA where he lives with his family which is an extended one, with cousins, uncles and aunts. Being the youngest in the family and being much younger than his siblings, he often got preferential treatment from his parents and other elders. He could not understand it when his siblings ganged up and called him selfish. “I’m a normal 15-year-old.” he told himself.
When he complained about this perceived mistreatment to his mom, she asked him, “What can you do to make a difference in the lives of others?” This made Neel reflect and at school, he signed up for volunteering with the homeless. The volunteering activity gave him a lot of satisfaction. He loved visiting the homeless and doing little things to make their lives better.
Neel soon completed school and joined college. There too, he continued volunteering for community work, this time for the elderly.
When it was time to choose his career, he realised he wanted to work for the underprivileged. He did a diploma course in Social Work and joined an NGO. He loved his work as it gave him a sense of purpose. “I have come a long way from the selfish 15-year-old I was,” he said to himself. He thought of the quality of empathy that had developed in him as a result of the interactions with people in the course of his work with people who were mainly from disadvantaged communities.
Empathy is communicating the incredible message: You are not alone.
It is the foundation of kindness and understanding. It helps us in relationships as we understand the needs, experiences and feelings of the other person. Children learn empathy when parents are empathetic towards others and are role models of empathy.
Empathy can be learned, and we can grow in this area daily. One way is to connect with groups that practice social service. Doing social work for people who are disadvantaged helps us to connect with them and be empathetic. Other ways to imbibe empathy is through discussion, storytelling and real-life experiences.
Once we realise every person we meet, is fighting a battle we know nothing about, we can put aside our judgements and treat them with empathy. The diagram above shows that when we meet a person, we see only the superficial aspects of a person without knowing their inner struggles and the issues they face.
The four qualities of empathy are:
- To be able to see the world as others see it
- To be non-judgemental
- To understand another person’s feelings
- To communicate your understanding of another person’s feelings
Guiding children to be more empathetic is the need of the hour. The world has a need for empathetic people. We definitely need kinder and more gentle people. This quality can be instilled in children as they are open to learning. We can work on building this quality at home and school.
Ways we can help children become empathetic:
- Read stories that highlight the quality of empathy.
- Model empathy as a parent/ educator.
- We can parent from the heart and respond lovingly and effectively moment by moment.
- Help children recognise, cope, understand and express their emotions in appropriate ways.
- Discuss situations and the options we have e.g.: how can we help a new child at school?
- Discuss current affairs and highlight the aspect of empathy as you come across it.
- Encourage your child to take acting classes. As we put ourselves through various roles, we can become more understanding of people and their situations.
- Guide children to help at home and in the community. Volunteer work can teach empathy and many other skills. Children become familiar with doing work rather than being assisted for every little thing.
- For pre-adolescent children, build a care box that includes things that the child can use to help in various situations e.g.: a band-aid to offer a classmate who has fallen and hurt himself, simple gifts to cheer a friend or peer.
- Praise empathetic behaviour whenever you see evidence of it.
- Allow children to interact with people of diverse backgrounds.
- In your conversations, highlight the aspect of respecting everyone, no matter what their status is in life.
Every situation is an opportunity to develop the quality of empathy. It is about making children more aware and conscious about the ability to support those who need our support and care.
As parents and educators, we can build empathy in our children and ensure children are empathetic in different circumstances.
Simple steps to increase awareness about situations where we can be empathetic:
- Talk about current situations and make them reflect and be aware of empathetic behaviour in various contexts.
- Ask them questions to increase awareness about bullying, racism, and discrimination. For example, when they talk about a new child at school, a parent could ask, “How do you think it feels to be a new child at school?” Discuss the support that can be given to children who are facing challenges like adapting to a new environment, bullying or racism.
- Engage children in supporting community projects or helping vulnerable people. This should be done willingly by the child without judgment or a sense of superiority.
- Support them in looking after pets and taking care of the needs of their pets.
As we seek to make our children empathetic, we need to be models of empathy that children can emulate. Children learn best from their parents and by being examples of empathy ourselves, children will be able to model this behaviour and will see it natural to be empathetic in everything they do. Every situation we face as a parent is an opportunity to be empathetic and be the role model our child needs to see in front of them.
Practical tips to be an empathetic parent:
- Ask questions to understand the situation. Be curious without being intrusive.
- Listen attentively and encourage the person to talk and feel listened to.
- Consider the situation from various angles.
- Focus on similarities in your mind.
- Think of solutions as you put yourself in their shoes.
- Acknowledge the feelings of your child.
What are the insights from the article that resonated with you? Is there one aspect that you would like to adopt? Please do share in the comments below.
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Read my book, ABC of Parenting (Amazon) which focuses on the mental/ emotional health of children and the crucial parenting pillars.
Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/raising-empathetic-children-hema-vinod-uppte
