As parents, we often deal with our children based on our perceptions. Some parents feel that being very strict can bring out the best in their children while others may want their children to live life on their terms.
Let us look at the four major styles of parenting:
- Authoritarian
- Nurturing
- Permissive
- Uninvolved
Authoritarian parenting:
Authoritarian parents believe that children are by nature strong-willed and they see obedience to higher authority as an important virtue. These parents impose strict rules and have high expectations of their children. The punishment they hand out may be severe. In such a parenting style, as can be expected, communication is far from being open and cordial. Children from such families are likely to indulge in delinquent behaviours.
To illustrate, let me share the example of Aryan and Asha Sharma who are the parents of Divya and Preeti. Both parents had been raised by authoritarian parents and believe that this is the best parenting style. They were strict and inflexible with their children. The girls were expected to toe the line with the rules set and were not expected to raise any questions. The girls were unable to express their views and often tried to rebel as they found the atmosphere at home stifling. They were losing interest in their studies and their performance at school was declining.
Nurturing parents:
Nurturing parents set clear and consistent rules and boundaries and have reasonable expectations from their children. They are open in their communication with children, listening to them and providing positive feedback regularly. These parents work at creating a loving and supportive environment for their children. Children raised by such parents usually show higher levels of self-esteem. This type of parenting can be quite demanding as it requires a lot of patience. The parents are willing to adjust the rules as they prioritise the learning that their children get from every experience.
Ashmita and Sandeep Dugar, the parents of 15-year-old Akshay decided to follow the nurturing style of parenting. They were warm, loving, firm and consistent with their son. They shared the importance of values and even discussed core values they could adopt as a family. They worked on the rules together with Akshay and clearly explained to him their expectations and the consequences of not following the rules. Hence Akshay had a clear idea of the expectations of his parents, the boundaries as well as the consequences of his actions.
Permissive Parenting:
In this parenting style, the parents set no rules and it is the children who make the decisions and enjoy a permissive atmosphere. Children raised by permissive parents often praise their upbringing. However, a 2016 study found that college students raised by permissive parents were less mentally healthy compared to other children. These parents tend to be very loving, however rarely enforce any rules or structure.
A case in point is Nitin Rawal, a single dad who tried to be the best parent for his daughter Tanisha. He believed in bonding well with her and letting her make her decisions. He did not believe in rules or consequences. He felt this was how he could show his love to his daughter. Tanisha was becoming more demanding with each passing day and her father was finding it hard to fulfil her every whim.
Uninvolved parenting:
As the term suggests, such parents are indifferent towards their child perhaps due to situations outside their control. They may provide the basics to the child in terms of meeting the child’s physical and emotional needs but may not do anything beyond this. Parents in this style of parenting are usually physically and emotionally absent from the child’s life. In many cases, this kind of parenting may not be the preference of the parent/s but may be due to the circumstances that prevent proper bonding between parent and child.
Jamie Evans, a single mom, was going through a life-threatening illness that had affected her physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. She loved her daughter Janice but due to her disturbed state of mind, could give her very little parental guidance and emotional support. Janice craved for her mother’s love, guidance and care and reached out to the school counsellor to make sense of her situation.
Helicopter parenting
This isn’t a distinct parenting style like authoritative or permissive parenting. It’s used to describe a specific behaviour within parenting styles. This parenting style may arise from good intentions such as wanting to ensure a child’s safety or success but can hinder a child’s development in the area of independence, problem solving and developing resilience.
Which is the best parenting style?
Among the major styles of parenting, nurturing is the most preferred choice for parents as this kind of child-rearing combines warmth, sensitivity together with the setting of reasonable limits. Nurturing parents use positive reinforcement and reasoning to guide children. They avoid resorting to threats or punishments. Children raised by nurturing parents are likely to be independent, self-reliant, socially accepted, academically successful and well behaved.
The ideal situation is where both parents would discuss with each other and have a cohesive approach towards parenting instead of following different parenting styles. What is the parenting style you as a parent employ? Is it time to change your parenting style or are you satisfied with the style you use currently?
Questions to ask oneself to understand your style of parenting:
- Do my children feel loved? Are my children able to express their love to their parents?
- How do my children communicate with me? Cues to look for do they feel free or are they tense when they interact with me?
- How do I manage discipline in my home? Do I believe in discipline as a way of guiding my children to the ideal behaviour?
- How severe am I while dealing with disciplinary issues?
- How much freedom do I give my child? Look at it objectively and describe it in one word.
- Are the rules I set reasonable or do I wish to show my authority in every area of family life? Am I willing to discuss the rules with my child and change them?
- If we talk about faith and fear, which is more evident in my home?
- How do I listen to my children? Do I give them my undivided attention, or do I multitask when I am communicating with them?
- How often do I practise intuitive, empathetic non-judgemental listening?
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